Long Time Coming

It's been.. about 165 days since I've posted last. Another birthday swept past relatively unnoticed, I did, actually, fail two of my classes that quarter, and I now live with Jared and Dani.

So, first I'll reply to myself.. the Apartment is much less filthy now, my room hasn't changed much but the rest of the place has. Far more credit is due to Jared and Dani than myself for that, though. Photography's fallen by the wayside. Other things to do, mostly. I got a D in my Freshman Seminar class. Picked myself up, tried a little harder, failed English again but got B's in both Logic and Microecon. This quarter I'm taking most of my classes on campus. We'll see how that goes, I'm kind of concerned about my Speech class.. it seems like it involves more work than my other three classes. Fun. Creative Writing, Aelora, Go, Design, Servers, SRCG and Game Design. None of this has happened, because I've been trying to work on school and being somewhat more sociable. I don't think it will, in the near future, either. I'm more concerned about school and I'd much rather focus on that than everything else.

It's remarkably fascinating how quickly one's entire mood can shift, from what appears to almost be depression into something infinitely more bearable. I would dare say that I'm almost happy right now. There are certainly things that aren't going as well as I'd like, but there are plenty of things that are going much better than could have been expected, six months ago. In four weeks, I will have been back here at this company for exactly a year. I'm OK with that. I've been a full time employee for 6 months and a few days. My time spent in Seattle still sits in the back of my mind, progressively shading everything that I process in terms of my life and my greater goals. Out in Seattle, I realized that I don't want to pursue a technical field. They're too rigid, too static. Certainly, there is a huge amount of growth in the technical fields, with technological leaps occuring at ever-increasing rates. But vertical growth isn't the only thing important to me. Horizontal is too, lateral movement is absolutely necessary.

Because of this, and numerous other experiences from my life, I've decided that Philosophy is the field I am going to pursue. I'm going to take it a single step at a time, but I know where those steps are going. I plan to get my AA or AS from Columbus State, then to get my BA in Philosophy from Ohio State, and then I will pursue a PhD program, somewhere. I will see where I am when I've got that BA and that will help decide what graduate schools I apply to. That is my plan, and that's where I'm going. Wish me luck, as it's a long road to travel.

The Plan So Far...

So. I have a week left. Tomorrow's my last day here at work. I'm going to talk to Jane regarding the contact out in Seattle, hopefully she can at least give me their phone number. I'm having trouble because I'm not really sure what steps to take right now to help get me where I need to be. I can't stay at the Hostel for more than 7 days at a time, and I'm not sure how frequently that is. So right now, it's looking like I'll be sleeping in the Hostel Tuesday night through Thursday night. I'd like to spend the weekend up with Larry's Family, if at all possible. If all goes truly well and good, I'll be able to secure a room by the end of next week. That way I'll have a place to live. Hopefully I'll also have a job that'll start the week after next as well. That's where Jane comes in. So, I've got a week left. And I'm getting more and more nervous as time goes on. My mum gave me two pieces of luggage, one enormous rolly-wheel-bag, and a little Teal Sport bag. I also am planning to head up to Easton sometime this week and prop up some cash for a Decent Backpack for toting about Seattle. Friday we're having a cleaning date. Sunday we're having a Going-away Dinner. In between, I'm beating a Full-length Firefly Marathon into James. We're about halfway through. And writing. I'll also have to take care to retrieve all of my music and data from my HD. Probably going to delete a good chunk of it. I'm not real fond of my Tom Waits or KMFDM Discogs. And they're bloody huge.

So far, so good. Then there are the doubts. Those aching shadows that permeate my deeper thoughts. The ones that say "What if?" and never give a good response. As it is, I'll not voice their concerns. To communicate them to the world, to give them the power of words and commit them to writing, is to give them a strength I'm not sure I could endure.

This is life. I will succeed, come hell or high water. I will have a job by March 1st. I will very likely have a place to live by March 1st. And then, we'll see what happens.

The Future

So, I didn't post last night. Had myself a little Firefly Marathon. Damn fine show, Highly Recommended. If you know me, you know that's high praise. I don't watch TV. I don't really watch Movies. But Firefly and Serenity, are extremely good. It's well written, well thought out, somewhat realistic for a world set 500 years in the future.

I've been thinking.. and letting the future unfold gradually before my thoughts. And it scares me. On many, many levels. My personal future is starting to blossom, and many paths are unraveling before me, waiting for the myriad choices I will have to make in the coming weeks. There are only two results for these paths in the nearest of ends, and that is that I will either succeed in Seattle, or I will not. If I don't, I will make a return trek to Columbus, gather myself, and determine what steps to take next. However, if I do, then there stand again another full myriad of choices and paths. I care not to contemplate these paths, as they are irrelevant presently. I focus on the now, and on tomorrow. The next week sits powerfully in my mind, enticing me forward and coercing me to taking careful steps. On a much grander scale, it is the future of this country that disturbs me. You see, I deeply wish I could hold a pride in my homeland. I wish I could comfortably say "I'm an American". It's not because I hate this country, it's because the future of it, drastic change notwithstanding, is down. I hope, fervently, that we can pull the country up from its endless downward cycle.. I'm not sure anything can, but I do hope for it.

I don't have much else to say, and have work tomorrow, so I'll hopefully get some more written. My goal is to write up at least another piece or two for world building. G'night all.

What's Your Passion?

So, I sit here, and look at these ads I have over here. I actually earned some infinitesimal amount from them yesterday, so that's cool. But, they're all about Myers-Briggs which, frankly, bothers me. Why? Because I don't really want to advertise MBTI -services- on my blog. I want to advertise the existence and use of MBTI. Among many, many other things. Hopefully, that's mostly just due to the state of my blog and the fact that I've been so busy with the Qualifying Course this week. I guess only time will tell, eh?

In other news, I took the qualifying exam today. 78 Correct out of a possible 80. I can now order, administer, and interpret Myers-Briggs Type Indicators. Go me. Maybe I'll figure out some way to use them productively. Honestly, I'd much rather just sit around in conference halls performing research on random masses of flesh. But, hey.

So, my topic du jour, is Passion. Yes, that crazy thing that makes non-crazy people become crazy for crazy reasons about crazy things. Crazy enough? I thought so. Passion intrigues me so because it is truly a game-changing situation. I don't care who you are, what you do, or how your little mind works. If you are passionate about something, you will do that. It's a truly wonderful thing, this passion, because it freely allows a person the carte blanche to do what they feel they are destined to do. It lets one's life become fulfilling. Think about that. There is no genericized meaning to life, the only meaning is the one we assign it. When we are passionate, we correlate our passion to that meaning. We align our very essence with that goal in sight, and we pursue it relentlessly until we are naught but bones scuttling in an old, dusty grave.

I, personally, am still looking for that passion. I have a sort of hemisphere where I'm kind of probing, prodding, trying to find where I really want to be and go. This is another reason for Seattle, mind you. This ties back to that in a large way. The growth available will help me push out on this bubble of potential and figure out what spots just plain feel good. I have ever intention of making a career out of what I find, and I will be sure to let you know when I do find something. And yes, if you are a wily reader, you will realize that this little blog, by this relatively nascent blogger, is one of these pushes. I like it, so far. Writing in enjoyable, and I have a clear enough command of my native tongue that I can effectively transmit my ideas. I can, perhaps, even inspire with my words so long as they are carefully chosen.

If my writing inspires you, then I want you to take heed. Let my writing push you, let my words drag you screaming through the lush fields of your mind. Find your passion, find that small niche where you feel nothing but absolute pleasure in every moment you work, that place where everything is eerily comfortable, where your mind is always perfectly at rest, and where you know you can do your best work. Find this place for me, and then push into it. Force yourself into this place, and make it your home. Make your passion your true drive, and then abandon all else for this drive. We need more impassioned, aroused people in this world pushing for their true passions. Do this, create something, and share your passion with the world around you. I can guarantee you will be adored for the freedom that is granted by passion. You will feel the shackles of society drop from your wrists, and you will experience freedom in a way that only a very small portion of society ever experiences. And remember that when you join this group, you are among an elite that is home to an incredible mass of people. You are among those that have the true strength in any culture, especially our's. When you find your passion, when you remove yourself from the status quo that our society has become, you will join the group of the creators. The innovators. The entrepreneurs. When you strip away all of your fears, all of your worries, and rip your thoughts down to their core, and focus the edge of your mind into your passion, you will find yourself in a truly wondrous group of people.

Push yourself. Expand your mind. Realize that fear is a pointless construct in our modern world. If you can do this, you will find a happiness far more pure than anything else you can ever experience. I can promise this to you. And if you never push yourself past that first step, you will forever regret not taking that first, little, harmless step. Don't fear the slide into passion. Fear the stagnation of the soul.

"And I am reminded, on this holy day, of the sad story of Kitty Genovese. As you all may remember, a long time ago, almost thirty years ago, this poor soul cried out for help time and time again, but no person answered her calls. Though many saw, no one so much as called the police. They all just watched as Kitty was being stabbed to death in broad daylight. They watched as her assailant walked away. Now, we must all fear evil men. But there is another kind of evil which we must fear most, and that is the indifference of good men."

A superb quote. And that is all for tonight. Find your passion, and you will succeed. Farewell, and until tomorrow.

Motivations for a Curious Decision

Mm. Not much to chortle out today. Got a wonderful example of the myriad things I've been learning in class, when one person got offended when another attempted to honestly express himself. It was comical. Any who, I keep getting this reinforced message that, frankly, people will listen and heed what I tell them. That, if I try to shove some strange concept down into a person's brain, once it finds its little hole and settles in, that concept almost becomes unshakable. Did I mention that the person that pioneered a significant portion of what we're learning apparently shares my type? This amuses me because I'm one of those weird types where we're basically all across the board. The only things we really have in common are that we're absolutely infatuated with change, and that we naturally integrate the world between various futures, ideas, concepts and ourselves in a strikingly logical manner.

I was asked, yesterday, how many people actual read this. I responded, not many. I always write for a crowd that doesn't truly exist. I don't know why, but it makes sense to me. On some level, if you write for the masses, the masses will eventually pay attention. That'd be neat, and great, and splendid. But I don't really care. This is a dumping ground.. a place where I can expel all of my mental waste produced throughout the day. Mind you, the next two weeks, as well as this past week, will be like a great, awkward enema, blowing the smelly, ancient bits of emotional and mental cruft from the deepest recesses of my brain, in preparation to truly experience the Emerald City in all of its glorious newness to me.

Seattle. The number one question I get regarding my impending trip, is "Why?". A very valid question, most certainly. Also the most difficult to answer unless you bloody well live inside of my head, or share a lot of mental processes with me. You see, the reasons why are almost innumerable. However, I'm certain I can distill them down into a few basic reasons. This won't really scratch the multi ameliorate connections that tie each of these together in infinitesimal ways, but if you were able to appreciate that, you really wouldn't need the distillation. And yes, as an aside, I do use flowery language. But it is most certainly true, I can always find new, minuscule connections between the core reasons of most things I do. This, especially.

The first, foremost, and most powerful reason is simply Change. I am in Columbus. In less than two weeks, I will be in Seattle. There are few things you can change more than location, especially at that magnitude. They are two very different cities, cultures, and areas of the country. However, this change burns far deeper than simply location. I will be effectually homeless, jobless, friendless, and essentially without anything. I am packing only my clothing and most bare essentials for existence. I will take little with me but my body, those necessities, and my soul. This, I suspect, is a deeper and more true reason for the change. To allow me to cleanse myself, spiritually. To extract from all the cruft and accumulations of time the core of my person. If you're reading carefully, you'll start to notice what I meant about the thousands of minute connections. Just within this one concept, this one core idea, I can make hundreds of ties that are all purely internally. All I can say is, think of every little connection you can, and know that that is quite likely also a very valid part of my reason.

The next reason is Opportunity. They say that Opportunity does not simply appear, that you must make your own opportunity. Well, in and around Seattle are multiple Gaming Studios. Presumably, because there are many gamers in and around Seattle. If this is true, then perhaps I will finally be able to find my team. For those of you who know what that means, good. For the rest, just know that I need a team to help me work on my projects. Or, that perhaps I need a team that I can help work on their projects. I don't try to define it, I simply know that I cannot do what I need to, alone. I must seek and find partners that are willing and able to assist me in their own capacities.

A third reason, and the last of the most powerful ones, is Growth. A plant eventually outgrows its pot. One's mind and soul eventually outgrows its shell, or skin. This is a transplant, for me, in a sense of the idea. I am attempting to tear at my current skin, my current shell or bowl, and pull it away so that I might be able to spread my roots wider, deeper and more effectively. It's a drastic way of doing so, but both in light of the other two reasons, as well as in light of myself, I think that this is probably the cleanest, most efficient way to do what I feel needs to be done. If I do wind up back in Columbus in the short term, then at the very least I will have the room to grow creatively, spiritually, mentally and emotionally. I will have cast aside my previous skin even if I find myself rooted to the same location.

These are my reasons, and they are reasons that I own with all of my being. I don't particularly expect or care if they make sense to you, but I will tell you this. This is a bare honesty I'm sharing with you. There are no lies in these previous paragraphs. Frequently, I would daresay, you are receiving a curious edge from me on this blog. This time, you are feeling the full swing of my dominant function.

If are an Intuitor, then this will all make perfect sense to you. I might even hope that it could inspire you. However, if you are a Sensor, then you will see blank concepts. Stark, logical constructs with little relation and a decision that ultimately likely makes little sense as well. If the latter is true, please feel free to ask me, and perhaps we can use another function to truly connect, and this will allow you some of the delight and glory I feel in these words. Maybe we can even convince you to catch a glimmer of the future in yourself as well.

As it is, I will be off to bed soon, so farewell and goodnight.

Rambly one today..

So, I've been thinking about various things.. In theory, sometime today, my boss is supposed to tell my supervisor that I'll be quitting in a week and a half. That'll be cute, I'm sure.

I've been slowly evaluating this trip to Seattle, and the various possibilities that are slowly laying outstretched before me.. and I find them all incredibly intriguing. Next week, something I haven't really told many people, I'm going to a week-long certification program to become an, apparently, Certified MBTI Instructor. Now, basically what this means, is that when I'm explaining to people what Myers-Briggs is, and why it's relevant, I won't really be blowing quite so much smoke. This is, in general, a good thing. I adore the MBTI programs, and love looking at the interactions between people from this perspective.. and I honestly should more often, because I realize that I tend to blast my way through things that might tend to be emotionally disruptive to others. Always entirely accidentally, too. I try to be more cognizant of this, but I rarely succeed.

So, this is next week. The week of Valentine's. I don't know what opportunities are lurking here, and Susan tends to be fairly quiet when it involves such things. I wouldn't be entirely surprised if she springs something on me that would cause me to cut my trip to Seattle short, and come back to Columbus. Yes, there are things that would do that.. I'm going out to Seattle, I have decided this. But whether or not I come back is open to an almost infinite set of variables. Not even the best Chaos Theorist could make an adequate prediction at this junction in my life. After that, my existence, as I am currently familiar with it, begins to dissolve. I will be back here at work for three days.. that Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday.. then I'll idling, preparing, from Thursday through the next Tuesday. That next Tuesday is my flight out to Seattle, where I kiss Columbus Good Bye.. I'll know more closer, as to how soon I'll be back.. but right now it's looking to be on the order of 6 Months..

Here is the plan, as I see it. I'll finish next week, and the week after. I'll get all my gear cleaned up and straightened up, likely keeping my server running so I can keep some kind of presence out in Seattle, and at the very least poke at it remotely when I feel the need. Most of my music will get put on my Vibez, and I will stuff my flash drive with as much additional as I need. Between the two, I'll have 16 GB of portable storage for whatever. I'm pretty much letting James have (use) Frostburn, presuming he doesn't hurt my baby. I'll be sure and have everything I need off both Frostburn -and- Bobomb before I leave, so even if all 3 HDs crash, I still have my imperative data, config files, and whatnot. The really important stuff'll get stashed on my Mushkin Flashdrive, my Vibez -and- my Cruzer. Because I'm a spaz. So, after I've got everything scrubbed, sorted and organized, I'm ready to head out to Seattle. Once out there, I'll try to get a job, a place to stay, and do some general wandering. I pretty much plan on playing it entirely by ear once I'm in the vicinity. Hopefully, within a few weeks, I'll be able to get myself into an apartment, and then, if necessary, get myself a little car. Once these two things happen, I pretty much start surviving. If this all goes according to plan, I will likely come back to Columbus near the end of the summer to visit people, make sure everyone knows I'm still alive, and hang out. Assuming James actually manages to get his arse in gear by then, I'll, theoretically, return to Seattle with him in tow.

That's the plan. Gods above know there are a thousand different ways it can all get fucked up.