A Secret.

I have a secret.. I utterly despise all of my friends.

Yeah, that's fucked up, isn't it? I mean, I love them dearly.. they are truly the only reason I stay sane at times, but on some level I find myself resenting them, hating them, despising them. I think it's some little incarnation of envy.. I would rather be them than be me. I don't live life vicariously through television or children, I do it through my friends. That's kind of twisted, I think.

It's hard to explain, and it probably sounds worse than it really is.. but it's something that I've started to notice recently. There are multiple pieces in my mind constantly warring for my focus and attention. One piece wants me to walk away from everything in the world.. to jump out of the airplane and see where I splat. Another piece, rightfully, thinks that's a really fucking stupid idea. A third piece points out that the world is all I have, so why would I want to walk away from it? What benefit would doing such serve? And, finally, a fourth piece says "Think about the children!", or some such. That piece doesn't speak up much and is basically just a guilt-maker, so I kick it in the shins and tape it to the ceiling.

I want to run, walk, cower and laugh in fifteen different directions in fifteen different ways all at the same time. I can't possibly think that's at all normal, but it's what I am so I really don't bother caring if it is normal or not. I'm not sure if I ever vocalized it to anyone, but there've been times in the past year where I've thought that having a lobotomy would save me a lot of time and frustration. To be able to trade intelligence and talent and foresight for simplicity, complicity and bliss would be.. something I might seriously consider.

This whole post is starting to sound way more emo than I'm intending. I'm not really in a bad mood, I'm actually in a good mood.. it's just that I'm more contemplative than anything. These are things that strike me as though they should be said because to say them is to place them into reality, and to open lines of discourse. They say the first step to getting help is admitting you have a problem.

Well..

I think I am the problem.

On the growing resentment of all things gaming

So, there's this growing.. thing.. in the bottom recesses of my mind. It's weird because it's not something that makes sense on any surface level. Basically, I'm starting to get exceedingly frustrated with the entire concept of gaming. It's an insidious little thing, but it's one that's starting to have a noticeable affect on my social interactions.

I find myself having a genuine issue really caring about gaming. I don't just mean video games, I quite literally mean all kinds of gaming. I was speaking to a friend this morning about pen and paper games, and I just couldn't feasibly care less. The only reaction she managed to elicit from me was when she said Palladium died like Dungeons and Dragons died. I blinked at her and corrected her. That has little to do with gaming and just my general sense of knowledge and truth.. she believed that Palladium was more popular than D&D. It.. isn't. It wasn't. It never has been. I have trouble with people that declare beliefs as facts, honestly.. and sure, I probably come across as being an arrogant dick. I don't really care, if they don't believe the things I tell them, I'll show them as much proof as I can muster.

It bothers me because I really do love games. They're something that's reasonably important to me, and it just suddenly strikes me that, for as much fondness as I have for them, I just don't care.

On another occasion, I realized that I also don't really like most of the players. The consumers of the gaming industry generally just bother me. I mean, how can any sane human throw that amount of themselves into something that is so.. futile? I perfectly understand wasting time in games. I do that frequently. But people treat their game of choice as though it were a life or death situation. They construct their entire self worth and existence through this virtual reality. What happens when they get unplugged? If your self worth is based entirely on your favorite shirt, what happens when it rips?

I don't have any answers. I can only say that it bothers me, and maybe speculate as to why. I wish I knew, because that would let me really pin it down. I suspect it would also help me uncover some remaining bits of dissatisfaction I find myself grappling with in the wee hours of the night, laying in my pitch black room alone with my thoughts.

Happiness and People

So, they offered me a job with the caveat that I would need to commit to some amount of overtime. I took it. If I can keep myself balanced, I can withstand this job. That, mind you, is the crux of it all.. I've started realizing what I need to do to keep myself balanced, but it isn't always easy. One big thing, is I need a more active social life. It's been slowly growing, but it still isn't large enough.

On this note, I've been wondering about something.. I often come across as an Introvert. I've been contemplating if my deep introversion through High School might not have had something to do with middle/junior high school.. all of the fighting I got into, I wound up basically hating everything around me and it's rather hard to extravert when you feel nothing but rage for 95% of the people around you. I might be wrong, but it just seems like the events line up.. once I got into High School, I was basically already shut down.

I guess the point of this.. is that I've been slowly working and kneading myself into a new mold. I'm sick of being an irritable introvert, truthfully. I actually -like- being outgoing and sociable. I mean, regardless of how you look at it, I do know I'm an extravert. I think that my self-image is in such disrepair that I feel like a fool for being outgoing.. that strikes me as an inherently stressful arrangement. "Hey! I love being outgoing! But I feel like an idiot for doing it!"

I've realized that being a fool really.. isn't that bad.

So, my goal as of late is to just consume new things. As Jared says, I've become a Consumer Whore. ^_^ When I go and meet new people, talk to strangers.. go dancing at Axis.. I feel absolutely rejuvenated. It's just energizing.. the problem, truthfully, is that I just don't have enough links.. enough of a network, to really get to many new people. I'm hoping taking classes will help alleviate that a bit.

Anywho. That's that. Life's going reasonably well in my futile little existence.