A Secret.

I have a secret.. I utterly despise all of my friends.

Yeah, that's fucked up, isn't it? I mean, I love them dearly.. they are truly the only reason I stay sane at times, but on some level I find myself resenting them, hating them, despising them. I think it's some little incarnation of envy.. I would rather be them than be me. I don't live life vicariously through television or children, I do it through my friends. That's kind of twisted, I think.

It's hard to explain, and it probably sounds worse than it really is.. but it's something that I've started to notice recently. There are multiple pieces in my mind constantly warring for my focus and attention. One piece wants me to walk away from everything in the world.. to jump out of the airplane and see where I splat. Another piece, rightfully, thinks that's a really fucking stupid idea. A third piece points out that the world is all I have, so why would I want to walk away from it? What benefit would doing such serve? And, finally, a fourth piece says "Think about the children!", or some such. That piece doesn't speak up much and is basically just a guilt-maker, so I kick it in the shins and tape it to the ceiling.

I want to run, walk, cower and laugh in fifteen different directions in fifteen different ways all at the same time. I can't possibly think that's at all normal, but it's what I am so I really don't bother caring if it is normal or not. I'm not sure if I ever vocalized it to anyone, but there've been times in the past year where I've thought that having a lobotomy would save me a lot of time and frustration. To be able to trade intelligence and talent and foresight for simplicity, complicity and bliss would be.. something I might seriously consider.

This whole post is starting to sound way more emo than I'm intending. I'm not really in a bad mood, I'm actually in a good mood.. it's just that I'm more contemplative than anything. These are things that strike me as though they should be said because to say them is to place them into reality, and to open lines of discourse. They say the first step to getting help is admitting you have a problem.

Well..

I think I am the problem.